If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
