just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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