Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
