I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
