please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
