Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
