he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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