Say something about gay babies.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
