i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
