This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.