I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well I just put wine in my tea
Randomize
