My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
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his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
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I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.