Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
