I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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