I cannot find my penis.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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