A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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