i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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