Pants 0. Shit 1.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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