I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
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