Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
