So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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