I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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