Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
