I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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