guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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