If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
