Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize