I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
