You just made me feel so damn special
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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