Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
