Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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