we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
