When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
