i think i scared a bird with my dick
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
