my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
3pm strippers are depressing
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
