ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
