You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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