I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
