My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
