All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
