Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Who died my cat blue again?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
