theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
