my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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