Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
