I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
