Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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