Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
