Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
