Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
