i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
