i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We need to rekindle our bromance
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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