Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
