this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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