Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
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