his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
