I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
