I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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