i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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