new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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