I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
