I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
