I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
